Are you ready to fuck the system?
The Maenad delivers Carnivale au Fuk \Mayday Column – la revolucion!
Escorted by Cream Scene’s Favorite Ringleader the Sparkle Known As Katy Somerville
Well, are ya?
Good because this month, as a Mayday special, I’m reviewing the VERY rare and totally experimental World Revolution Fuck Sleeve . The World Revolution Fuck Sleeve comes in four hues – matte purple, matte yellow, mahogany, and jade (You can FEEL the effort their marketing people put into, well two of the four)
Sure it is, for all intents and purposes, four lengths of pvc piping lined with velvet, or at least, that’s what you see before you have to get out the garden shears to remove the packaging. (It comes in a Russian doll of 7 layer packaging. Like a burrito from the Paris Review.)
Look, this thing is dangerous. It has three different points for you to stick your outie in – they seem the same size but, internally, they are very different.
Do not put your fingers in the holes. I lost a toenail that way last weekend. Had to paint over the injury so as to not face bizarre questions like – “Holy shit it looks like your toenail got sucked out an airlock! wtf happened to your big toe?”
I asked (very nicely) Carlo, one of my
tricks, to unzip in the Marketplace of Ideas and to stick their 8 and a half inch shaft into the far left hole. HE screamed about Anarchist Prophets and got sucked, dick first, all the way in there. It was like something out of Ghostbusters.
And he’s still in there. I promise. Just stick your cock in and feel all 231 pounds of him wrap around you like a flesh tunnel wrapped around a – small – black hole.
But then, he’s a man.
I don’t think men are the intended users of this product. Which is …perplexing.
Seriously unless you are trying to get rid of him, do not let male people play with this product without adequate supervision. Do not leave cishet males alone with this device.
Look, the one time I tried putting my actual skittle in, time was distorted and I experienced the doppler effect. The top of the sleeve ejaculated glitter and pink, white, and blue streamers. Then the stock market dropped 500 points.
For Cream Scene Carnival’s Mayday Extravaganza, I invite two other people of any background with large clits, penises, some variation or combination of the above, or any cluster of intenticles to join me in triple fucking the system. We’ll have to grow VERY close to achieve this, but I promise you….
…when we get off, the world will be a new place…
World Revolution Fuck Sleeve Fuck the System Sleeve
Material – Probably what they build stealth aircraft out of
Dimensions 5 or 6
Sure, it’s a sex toy that looks like a giant four pronged jack (Like a game of jacks) made in someone’s basement out of spare PVC pipe but I promise you it contains multitudes inside.
Now and then it giggles.
Hardness 4 – well, the apertures are functionally 3 ¼ PVC tubing; if you are really thick that’s going to be some nasty friction burn. At least until it eats you. Not sure about after that. (But, speaking from personal experience, friction burns on the lovelies last forever. Not quite jacking off – ha – with sandpaper but if you’ve been taking T blockers for 16 years, it’s a much happier ride.)
Beginner Friendliness 1 – placing a member into this sleeve before you are ready will damage the universe. NOT FOR BEGINNERS.
Tunguska? Yeah, the manufacturer’s reviewers all went missing. One of them expressed a fondness for early 1900s Siberia shortly before plumbing the toy with their uncut member shortly before hand.
Summary 5 –
For those looking to fuck the system, this toy is for you.
Do not combine with Tiger Balm or Whippets.
Do not use under the influence of CisHeteronormitivity, the gender binary, or the New York Times.
About the Artist
Katy Somerville was beamed into existence on a Monday night in the mid-eighties by stars, glitter, and a glorious Italian woman from a long line of very strong women. In the present timeline, she likes to drink coffee, pat any animal that will engage with her, make collages, and spend time laughing and finding moments of joy wherever she can with her partner and her goofy, lanky dog.
Katy is Cream Scene co-editor & Art Director
About The Maenad
The Maenad is a long lost LA girl, a six foot one blonde towering over the Seattle skyline.
Who IS This Chick?
In 1997, in a secure laboratory deep underneath the Utah Deseret, Tim LaHaye and JK Rowling had a love child and that child was trans, pagan, and beautiful. Being Left Behind with Zir father’s in-laws, Ze was raised in an abusive cishet home parody until age 10 when a big beautiful Gay Bear in a leather Santa Outfit slid down the chimney on a firepole and rescued Zir. After six years of learning the ways of crime, sex magic, gey sex, and kink, Ze began eating hormones and hormone suppressants, transitioning to the fantabulous, fucked up glory that is the Maenad chorus, the Princess Anarchy Udders, the wonderful Ms. Gwendolyn. Now a War Goddess, She promises you the coming revolution will be, like Her, full of passion and full of warfare. If you could get arrested on an obscenity statute for it in the 70s (80s/90s if you lived in Texas) I will review. Got something lascivious for me to oggle, toggle, giggle, tag, and review? Be sure and warb the editors over at Cream Scene Carnival in the subject line. c/o firstname.lastname@example.org