Cream Scene Carnival

Audio Astrology

May begins with the sun in decadent, venusian Taurus while Mercury is in the damn microwave in the same sign & she won’t come back out until the 14th. Mercury will, in fact, be chillaxing in the old lead tongued energy (I am legally allowed to say this as a Mercury in Taurus native) the entire month, not making it to her domicile in Gemini until June 11th. But the sun will beat her there, entering Gemini on the 21st. 

Venus begins the month in playful Gemini before entering sentimental Cancer on May 7th. Mars starts off the month on the wrong foot, having fallen in Cancer but he’ll move into sunny Leo on the 20th. 

The flower moon is an eclipse in Scorpio on the 5th. Scorpio energy is intense & the moon is at its fall here, so hold on or better yet, let that shit go. Let the universe figure it out since she’s so damn smart.

As far as the things you can hold, touch, punch, protest – let’s meet at our respective rising signs for a little pep talk. You should be checking your horoscope using your rising sign because it determines where your personal houses are feeling the month’s transits. Your rising sign is determined by your time of birth so call your mom (or dig out your birth certificate) & google “Rising sign calculator” if you don’t already know her.

Aries

Let your freak flag fly. You may find yourself drawn to a project outside of the norm that allows you to explore who you are, what you love, or how you move through the world. Do not let fear of opposition hold you back. Life is finite & we are insignificant, translate your view of the universe through your meatsack to the best of your abilities & offer no fucks. If it gets too spicy you can always use a pseudonym.

Anthem of the month: Freak Flag – KMFDM

Taurus

If you want to see life as a game, it’d be best if that game was not Risk this month, that shit is nerdy anyway. Find a way to step away from the grind & gain some perspective before you make any long term plans because a friggety-fucked work-life balance could be hampering your view of the future, your relationships, even your self-concept. 

Anthem of the month: A Satire of a Satire of a Satire is Tiring – A Lot Like Birds

Gemini

You are a universe within yourself & that can get complicated. Shine a light on who you are now & compare that with who you were & who you want to be. Be brutally honest with yourself both ways, sometimes we bloom despite the earth being burned & salted & there is a lesson there. Get clear on your path & then give the unknown a big kissy because shit is bound to get fucked up anyway, get right with plans b, c, & d. Existence is what you make it, get creative.

Anthem of the month: Geronimo — Thank You Scientist

Cancer

Feeling fucky? Who isn’t? I definitely am, as a perpetually broken-hearted cancer rising sap. Our chart ruler is the moon & she is doing the whole full flower moon in our 5th house this month. & listen, the end of the month is looking like the proverbial brick to the window of our love life, especially if we hand the reins over on the full moon. I don’t want to be in control, do you? That shit sucks, responsibility is for chumps. Maybe we should just let things happen.

Anthem of the month: Apeshit – The Sound of Animals Fighting

Leo 

You may find yourself tongue-tied & perhaps a little aimless during the beginning of the month. This energy isn’t so much a mental block but a focus issue – you’ve zoomed way in on one particular tree, a branch, maybe there’s a smear of birdshit there, maybe a particularly disgruntled squirrel is twerking on the branch. Maybe she’s an arsonist, maybe you’re googling “is birdshit flammable?” But remember only you can prevent forest fires & you’ve got to lay off of the edibles because squirrels aren’t (usually) arsonists, duh. This too shall pass.

Anthem of the month: Ayy Ladies – Travis Porter (Thanks to Stef Nunez for answering “what is a song that a squirrel would twerk to?” She says to “just yell ‘squirrels’ every time he says ladies”)

Virgo

Though the depth of your thoughts may have the quality of muddy water mercury in retrograde in your 9th house of wisdom & philosophy, now is a great time to fiddle & explore as you plan out your next creative project. Art is the confluence of your talent & influences, so indulge in that movie you’ve been meaning to watch or spend a few hours a night with your TBR list, then make something mindless you can cannibalize into another project or make something unapologetically bad to explore a new medium. Not everything has to be a banger. This month, live your life in the drafts.

Anthem of the month: The Difference Between Medicine and Poison Is in the Dose — Circa Survive

Libra

With your 8th house affected and aspected by both the Sun & Jupiter during Mercury’s little backward shuffle, you may find your mind traveling to & lingering on less than awesome topics this month – like the insignificance of our existence, the finite nature of our lives. But remember that insignificance has advantage – it doesn’t matter how badly you fuck something up because nothing matters & nobody will care in the long run because they’re too focused on themselves. If you feel the tug of heaviness – indulge yourself until you see the silver lining & then wrap yourself in it. Experiment, falter, show your whole ass – it doesn’t matter, we’re all dying anyway.

Anthem of the month: Songs about Death — The Wonder Years

Scorpio

The bad news is that the full moon eclipse is likely to hit like a rock to the face. The good news is that this energy feels a lot like the tower card – whatever isn’t on a solid foundation is about to crumble, whatever hath fucked around is about to find out. It’s not just the full moon that is intensely side-eyeing some rocky aspects at the beginning of the month, but the sun having a polite disagreement with saturn at the end of the month over death & relationships. It’s going to be cool. Just let things fall away, transformation is kinda your gig.

Anthem of the month: Drumhead Trial — Protest the Hero

Sagittarius

How good is your poker face? If it’s not so good, maybe spend a little quality time with the mirror. It’s not unusual for a Sagittarius native to have a lot going on behind the scenes but you’re going to have to do a good job separating your backstage tirades from your performance out in the world. Watch the way the world moves around you & choose the best moments to react & when you do that, only react from the most grounded emotional state you can manage. You are a performer, or at least you understand how to perform in theory, now’s your time to shine.

Anthem of the month: The Undertaker’s Thirst for Revenge Is Unquenchable — Chiodos

Capricorn

Stay your hand, especially toward the second half of the month. You may instinctively believe the worst about a situation but your ability to emotionally regulate yourself is vital here. You don’t have to figure everything out beat by beat, it’s important to be able to live in comfort with the unknown. You are only responsible for yourself, for your peace of mind, for the face you present to the world. Take a walk, eat some ice cream, create an elaborate skin care routine – let the answers come to you in their own time & until then, the time’s yours to make your own.

Anthem of the month: Doin Time — Lana Del Rey

Aquarius

You may come into the month detached, with eclipse season underway and transformative pluto retrograding in your 1st house of self – there is a feeling of so much movement without any grounding. It’s a bit like traveling a winding mountain pass in the passenger’s seat of your dad’s red Mazda pickup in 1998, the trees are mostly blurry, you’re aware that there’s movement, but all you feel is nausea, maybe even a touch of claustrophobia like you are too big to manage this tiny body with its impossibly small bones. Eventually you’ll reach the summit, you might puke, but you’ll feel better & the way down is less winding. My trick was always to crouch down and lay my torso against my thighs, my head between my knees counting my breaths until it was over.

Anthem of the month: Devices — Dwellings

Pisces 

There is a feeling of things happening to you rather than you navigating the world of your own volition & you may try various ways of self-soothing that kind of fall flat, especially because Mercury is doing it’s thing in your third house – so your processing ability may be a little clipped. It’s easy to put up a wall when you feel like you’ve been wronged, whether you perceive it as being the fault of a physical person or situation, or the universe at large. But you’re going to need to keep moving in spite of it all. & when your life feels like it’s snagged on something, lean into symbolic movement — go for a drive, take a walk, go on a ramble through the wilderness.

Anthem of the month: Wanderlust — Megadeth

—LE Francis is not a serious astrologer. She’s a writer, a weirdo, & a clairaudient with great taste in music. (Okay, you can roast me on Megadeth, but I mostly just wrote down whatever I heard in my head when I read the transits.)