The Maenad goes straight for the prostate in a sex toy review that is no nonsense and conscious of mobility impairment.
“Random genetic selection equipped this reviewer’s present form with a throbbing purple walnut of light.”
Creamy and dreamy toys to sex up your scene in this carnivale of insertible extremities.
The primary thrust (ha) of these reviews is going to be centered on the reviewers experiences – and so that of a female presenting person with a prostate to channel and direct divine cozmik energy. Now cisgirls can def enjoy anal (THEY SURE CAN) and when done right, it directly stimulates the clit from the inside.
All bodies are good bodies. All genders are valid. You are valid. And you, and your body, deserve pleasure. The good news is that your body, yes yours, is an excellent vessel for pleasure and sensory experience. Sometimes, we stuff those vessels with giant silicone sex toys. Lets’ begin.
I’m not light and sweet like a petunia, I’m fat and I’m pretty damn happy about it. And since we are giving you our whole ass of body positivity these reviews will cover things others won’t. I’ve got a long term advancing case of arthritis and a whole bodyful of scar tissue from decades of High Adventure – so I can speak perhaps somewhat better to the experiences of those who have range of motion issues and limited mobility.
0 – (theoretically toxic toys would get a zero)
1 – bad toy, do not use; stay away.
2 – Fly by night, not recommended
3 – Has it’s uses
4 – A lot of fun, recommended
5 – you owe it to yourself to play with this toy
For our first column we will detail a very basic beginners toy and then something a bit more exotic but still not that large.
Basic plug (purple, hard)
Dimensions: Short & Thin
Manufacturer: Pretty sure an ex bought this for me at Lovers.
Hardness: Hard (like be careful hard)
Safe Sex Utility: Getting this to cooperate with a condom is impossible. Dental
dams and a rubber band are far more effective. As it’s a plug, it’s maybe best to keep this one personal, esp. depending on which hole you are jamming it in on the regular. (Be careful switching back and forth – there are some bacteria in each place you DO NOT WANT in the other, but especially stuff moving from backdoor to front, obv)
Rating (1 to 5) 3 – Has it’s uses
Beginner Friendliness (1 to 5) 2 – pretty basic and easy to use but maybe a bit firmer for a first timer. The almost non-existent base makes this a bit iffy for beginning use, somewhat less so if you play with one or more partners. NOTE: Twice, the toy has disappeared inside me. (The second time, someone was around to help find, grasp and remove the toy. That was fun.
Summary: Useful as a plug to stay in for an extended period but only if you have decent muscle control. I presume this would be similar for vaginal use but at this point I can only give anecdotal evidence for such.
Link: Oh please. Just go to lovers or whatever your above board vanilla chain sex shoppe is. Grab that thing that is neither dildo nor plug, but tries to be both. If you are new, it may offer some satisfaction, especially in the backdoor.
This next review is -probably- not for most beginners.
It is however for those who do enjoy a good old fashioned Monster Fucking.
Nova the Breeder
Material Medical grade silicone
Dimensions Small (Long & Thick)
Manufacturer Bad Dragon
Hardness Medium (Soft)
Safe Sex utility Most condoms fit this toy just fine.Rating 4 – I love this toy
Beginner Friendliness 3 – Lovely soft squishy toy; it’s greater mass and general shape makes anal insertion much easier but it’s probably too much base for most beginners. Size Queens in the Making notwithstanding.
Summary A great toy for those who love more girth than length and a nice ‘smaller’ toy to give you that feeling of being nice and full.
The base is nice, heavy and wide so even without a suction cup, as long as you have mass on your side, it’s not going anywhere.
This is easily my favorite in present collection. If only it were a size or two bigger. The ridges are nice and, for those of you in the back thinking loudly, they clean easily like the rest of the toy.
Remember, use water based lubricant with these, using silicone lube with silicone toys gets messy and ruins your toys. Even if playing solo, using condoms on your toys will make clean up easier.
Have something you want me to review? Contact the Maenad, c/o Cream Scene Carnival and let them know what you want to see next.
About The Maenad
Who the fuck is this chick? CV Princess Udders aka the Maenad
is a fat glorious Queen of Heaven, a Queer Trans Goddess. Pansexual, polyamorous, and kinky af. A long lost LA girl, a six foot one blonde towering over the Seattle skyline. Active and out since the very early 90s, Sex worker, off and on since the mid 1990s, though she didn’t transition until the mid 00s. (Sex work, as a boy, in Texas, in the 90s was easier but less fulfilling)
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